|The Missal by Waterhouse (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons).|
I was watching "The Journey Home" the other day. Marcus Grodi was interviewing Mother Angelica. They talked about when she had her second conversion. It was more in the context of a person who was brought up Catholic and deciding for themselves to live as a Catholic and not just because they were raised that way. Even though I was not raised as a Catholic or a Christian I had a second conversion too.
When I became Catholic it was because I purposefully set out to find Truth and I had an encounter with God as Love. I think He revealed Himself to me in that way for a pretty specific reason. It was because I run from personal relationships. I run from love. Prayer is excruciating for me most of the time. I don't want to deal with that kind of intimacy. Sometimes I can't. God showed me that He loves me right off the bat but I still tried to get to know Him on a head level. The heart level was just not there. I kicked and screamed and threw tantrums about how much I wanted to have an experience of His love again. I spent so many years gaining head knowledge and avoiding prayer while at the same time complaining that I didn't seem to be getting anywhere in my relationship with God. It was pretty ridiculous.
The only thing that changed it was that I went through a period of intense suffering. The suffering was in pretty much every area of my life and it was all happening at the same time. The physical part was that I got a kidney stone. The pain was so intense I couldn't stop throwing up and it lasted for about a week. The first day the pain started God let me know in a way that I can't even describe that I should accept the pain. I did. When I accepted it, I felt peaceful and I felt close to God in a way that I never had before. I can't really explain that either.
Continue reading at Rebecca's blog Otaku Catholic
Thank you for generously sharing this. It gives a real glimpse, I think, into why we might find ourselves running from intimate contact with God while at the same time longing for Him.ReplyDelete
pure Grace. Like when Peter steps out of the boat in faith and stands on water. The minute he tried to make sense of it he sank. Thank you for sharing this and reminding me to quiet myself to let Him love me.ReplyDelete