|Jacob Wrestling with the Angel by Leloir (photo in Public Domain)|
I read the other day about Jesus saying that one who looks back after he set his hand to the plow is not worthy of Him. I understand what He was saying. We can't look back longingly to the fleshpots of Egypt. We can't cultivate good memories of what life used to be like before we were Christians. Still, there are certain ways in which we can look back.
My spiritual friend once told me that I should write about what I was like in high school before I became Catholic so that I can really see how much God has done for me. It was good advice but I don't think I can even go back that far. Those days seem like a black hole to me now. I once described it to her as an overwhelming feeling of being alone, cold, and dark in every sense and aspect of my life.
Don't get me wrong, I've experienced times of depression and even despair since I converted. Still, no matter how dark those times in my life were, I would never exchange them for the time before I met Jesus. In fact, probably the worst external and internal suffering I've ever experienced happened after I became Catholic. Again, I would not trade my time before Jesus with my time after Jesus.
Even though I don't act like Jesus is the end-all and be-all of my entire life all the time, it is still a fact that He is. I don't do that, He does. Since I am such a very poor cooperator with His grace, it has been very slow, almost imperceptible, but it is definitely a reality. I said I couldn't even go back as far as high school to see how I've changed because I can look back just two years and see the change.
I was a Catholic two years ago. But I was a terrible one. Two years ago I could not even have imagined that I would really feel that 'in God alone is my soul at rest'. Two years ago I would have laughed at the notion that I would long to sit in silence with Jesus in my parish. Two years ago, I could not have imagined that I could truly understand that sin is never the answer. (I say I truly understand that and I do, but that doesn't mean I don't still sin. Understanding is a major first step though, believe me.)
Read the rest at Rebecca's blog Otaku Catholic.
Great (mental) image of wrestling with God. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety over your spiritual life. For the first 11+ years of my marriage I beat myself up over being an imperfect wife and mother and Christian. (I've been married 12 years). Lately I've learned to let go, and I'm so much more peaceful. You can read some of my thoughts here:ReplyDelete
BTW, I notice you've streamlined your blog design. Thanks for taking my bloggers' tips seriously.
There is much hope in this post! "Even though I don't act like Jesus is the end-all and be-all of my entire life all the time, it is still a fact that He is." And He is the One Who is doing it.ReplyDelete
Thank you for sharing! I agree with Nancy, there is so much hope! God is doing mighty things! Blessings to you!ReplyDelete
Thanks. The blog tips were helpful. :)ReplyDelete
Rebecca, what a hopeful post! I love your comments about Jacob wrestling with the angel. So many are struggling as you have, and I know what you have written here would be great encouragement for them. Hmm, I think St. Therese would say to all of us: stop struggling and just fall asleep in God's arms. But then, she had such boundless trust in Him... I was struck by the humility which pervaded your words. What a beautiful grace from God. Thanks for sharing so honestly.ReplyDelete
Thanks Patricia that means a lot!ReplyDelete